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Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Getting a Little Personal: Why I Love DW with Two Hearts

That's me, August 2012. Yes, I'm a ging.

Hi Everyone, Ley here. Because this page reaches so many people, I try to keep my personal life off it. But today, for better or worse, I'm gonna get a little personal.
Many of you, the vast majority, I'd say, have never met me and probably never will. Although I will say that I'm in the NYC area and if any Whovians every want to hang all they need to do is shoot me an email (and not be creepy). What I am about to tell you relates to me, and if you don't want to hear it, leave the page.
Because of possible triggers, I am inserting a spoiler break, although there are no spoilers.

I don't want to sound all whiny and bitch about my life, although some of you may say that's what I'm doing. That is why there is no comment section for this post. If you've got something nice to say, shoot me an email.
Alright. I'll get on with it.

May is an important month to me. Aside from it having my birthday (the 8th) and the birthdays of a surprisingly large amount of my friends, May is also borderline personality disorder awareness month. I cope with that disorder every day. For those of you who don't know what BPD is, that's OK. I'll explain.

Borderline is a personality disorder. Unlike most other PDs, the person who is in the most danger from the effected individual is the person themselves  It effects more women than men, although it it thought that most men living with it are misdiagnosed or not reciving enough (if any) treatment to accurately diagnose it.
BPD can manifest itself in childhood (0-18 years) as depression, which it did for me. I also am on the very high functioning side of the autism spectrum. I manage both well with medication prescribed for me by a professional.
What causes BPD is unknown, although there is a genetic component to it. In addition, the environment a child grows up in will also effect the likelihood of developing the disorder. For me, as is the case for many geeks/nerds, I was constantly bullied throughout Elementary, Middle, and High school, culminating in a case which was ultimately brought to the police. Most of it was because I didn't, and still don't, dress like a girly-girl. There's also the fact that I have a very limited capability with mathematics because I have a severe non-verbal learning disorder. My verbal IQ is 141, which is the 99.7th percentile, while my mathematical score is 75, which is in the 4.7th percentile. (Average of 108, 70th percentile). So not only was I really, frankly, stupid, in math-based subjects, but I also was way talented in linguistic subjects. I could probably write this entire blog in French. It confused other students: is she smart or is she dumb? Yes.
I am also the child of a quasi-divorce. That is, my parents never married and got back together after they separated  That was in 2005. It was mostly because my father is/was an alcoholic. He just celebrated eight years sober, an accomplishment I would never have thought him capable of.
I started acting the year he was away, I guess for attention, I don't really know. What I do know is that I stuck with it. I'm a theatre major, currently, and am looking to transfer to a London-area vocational school for acting and to break into that industry. As an actor, I would say that I have a very high self-awareness. That could also be because I've been seeing a psychologist since age 9. Either way, I'm very in touch with my emotions, too much so at some point. I am not ashamed nor afraid to admit that I struggle with self-injurious behaviours, and have since Feb 2011, and probably will until the day I die. I am proud to say that I have not engaged in those behaviours since 8 January 2013. That is 126 days, or exactly 18 weeks. If you or someone you love suffer with SI as well, please get help. It is the best thing I ever did and I will tell you that there is no shame in it. If you live in the NYC area, go to New York Presbyterian Westchester Division on Bloomingdale Ave in White Plains, NY. That is where I have gone for two years and they have done so much for me. I'm also here if you want some support  although I am not a professional and not a substitute for professional psychiatric help. My email is in my bio to the right of this post.

Okay, now here is where DW comes in. I met the person who got me in to DW in the beginning of January 2013. He believed in me like only one person had before, and I was now separated from that person by over 200 miles, while this person I would spend almost every day with for the next three weeks. He didn't say "Ley, you should watch Doctor Who!"; it was more of a "well, I know this guy likes DW and so maybe I'll watch it so I can talk about it with him." Well, I didn't make it past "Rose" until February  at which point my health had forced me to go on a leave of absence from school until the fall.
So, yeah, I started with the Ninth Doctor. He's broken and distraught and lost from what happened in the Last Great Time War. He abandoned himself when his home burned and only finds his value in what he can do for other people. It sounded a lot like me. When 9 regenerated into 10, the similarities increased. The smile that lights up his face. The bountiful energy when he's being watched and the sullen tears when he's alone. The memory of a home that once was and will never be again. I see that, and so much more in me and  it took 10 to make me fully aware of it.
One thing Doctor Who is about is embracing your inner darkness so that you can stand in the light of your truth. Ten embodies that so well and I strive to as well, and I think I'm doing pretty well.